o5s28

Causes and effects

A tipsy man who stank of beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a general contempt for your fellow man. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, father. It just says here in the paper that the Pope has arthritis."

Mutual compliments

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I were not under oath, I would return the compliment," replied the witness.

Dilbert's words of wisdom

• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day ... tomorrow is not looking good either.
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he is not there the first time, chances are you will not be needing him again.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
• My reality cheque bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

posted by 05s28 @ 1:03 PM